shortchica4life's Xanga

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Sun, 01 Oct 2006 19:38:36 GMT

,.:'`':., 10/1/06 ,.:'`':.,
~*º Mood: ecstatic º*~

Last night, I fully realized the extent of my love. I have never felt this way about anyone. Ever. He makes me feel things I didn't think was possible.
While laying on my bed talking to him, I had the phone positioned so perfectly that his voice sounded like it was coming from right next to me. I could swear I felt his hand on my waist, and when I sat up and leaned against my bed, I felt his arm around my shoulders. I could sit here for hours explaining everything I am constantly thinking of, but considering I don't have that kind of time, I won't... well, maybe a few details. =]
During school, I zone out constantly, and at home I'm always daydreaming. I think about the night I snuck out of my room at midnight to give him a note, put my hand on his face and kissed him on the cheek. I remember his face- shocked but with a twinge of happiness. I think about how the next day, while walking around the Ibis hotel lake thing, he randomly grabbed my hand and sent tingles through my whole body. I think about the hours we sat on the bus together just holding hands, with my head on his shoulder. I think about how he would tickle me endlessly, and I think about the smile on his face while he was tickling me. I think about the two nights we spent in Australia holding hands and cuddling while walking down the beach, through the forest path and then standing and looking at the stars. I think about all those moments when our cheeks or foreheads were touching and about how close we were to kissing. I think about saying goodbye to him at the airport, sobbing, and holding him close. I could feel myself shaking, and I could feel his head on mine, his hair tickling me like it always did. When we pulled back to say goodbye, I remember looking into his eyes while tears were streaming down my face, and he obviously didn't find me too unattractive, because he just kissed me on the cheek. I kissed him back, and with one last hug after I handed him a note, he was gone. This sounds incredibly lame, but I could feel a part of me leaving with him, and as he stopped and turned around, he waved one last time.
I haven't been able to hold him in over 2 months, and I won't be able to for 3 more. But what matters the most is that I love this boy with all my heart. He's everything to me, and he means so much to me that I can't even put it into words. Our conversation last night has got to be the sweetest one I have had with anybody, but it wasn't cheesy at all. The things we said, we really meant. I told him I wanted him here to cuddle with me and watch movies. He told me of how beautiful he found me, and of how he couldn't put it into words. We talked about making a teleportation device to get us closer, but we realize that isn't possible, so we just count down the days until we can finally see each other again.
Anyways, I'm starting to get pretty hungry, so I guess I'll end this entry now.

I Love You, Wyatt.
<3

**EDIT**

Corey Crowder - Here's Looking At You, Kid

Ill keep on driving so we can talk a while
I know I could drive all night just to stay here with you
At the end the night well embrace and stare at the star filled night
Would it be alright if we didnt say goodbye this time?

Ill wait and wonder when our next time will be
Ill see you next week, hopefully
I wish it were sooner
At the end of my trip well embrace and stare at the star filled night
Would it be alright if we didnt say goodbye this time?

Every time were away I feel a distance I cant take
Watching you drive away, oh it kills me

Ill be alright
Have no worries
Im just a bit over anxious
And maybe a little impatient
At the end of the night next time after we look at the star filled night
Can we escape to a far away land where we will forever remain..
Living as one and walking hand in hand

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Wed, 20 Sep 2006 01:57:08 GMT

,.:'`':., 9/19/06 ,.:'`':.,
~*º Mood: emo º*~

I can't take it anymore. This is taking way too much of a toll on me.
Time differences suck.
School sucks.
Crying over this sucks.
I feel like I've basically lost my boyfriend... I honestly don't even feel like we're together anymore, like we're just good friends that happen to say I love you.
I love him so incredibly much, but this is just way too much for me.
He keeps promising it'll get better, when in reality, it's gotten worse. Much worse.
I'm lucky if I talk to him for half an hour a night.
I'm lucky if I get to see him on the webcam for 5 minutes a week.
Neither of us are even sure if he's coming out for Christmas anymore, and I know that if he doesn't, our relationship is over. We've already basically discussed it.
And knowing my luck, he's going to be lazy up until a month before, and he won't he able to come. That'll be the end of this.

A comment was made last night that really hurt me, but I can't confront it out of fear of a fight. I never want to get into a fight with him, because we're too good for that- we're above that.
I don't know if he meant what he said, or, as Aaron said, he just wasn't thinking.
I honestly hope Aaron's explanation is right. If he meant what he said... wow, that would be horrible.
I know it's true, what he said, but the fact that my own boyfriend would point it out really hurts a lot.

Anyways.
Even though I know no one reads this anymore, I still write.
Whatever... maybe it'll be worth it one day.

</3

Monday, September 18, 2006

Mon, 18 Sep 2006 01:37:14 GMT

,.:'`':., 9/17/06 ,.::'`':.,
~*º Mood: depressed º*~

Today has been honestly one of the crappiest days in a long time.
It was supposed to be happy because it was mine and Wyatt's 2 months.
Buuuuuut of course not.
The days that mean the most to me always turn out to be the worst.
I actually yelled for the first time in a long time... not actually at my mom, but I was yelling because I was so fed up with everything. She understood, which was good, but I still felt horrible after yelling.
Everything is crashing down on me, and I'm unsure of absolutely everything.
I don't even feel secure anymore...

Today sucks.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Sun, 17 Sep 2006 04:05:15 GMT

,.:'`':., 9/16/06 ,.:'`':.,
~*º Mood: happy º*~

Happy 2 Months, Babe!!

<3

[Our 2 month is actually the 17th, but it's 1:08 there, so we got to say happy 2 months before he went to bed.]

I love you, Wyatt. Never forget it.
<3

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Thu, 14 Sep 2006 00:17:11 GMT

,.:'`':., 9/13/06 ,.:'`':.,
~*º Mood: lovey º*~

When I see your smile
Tears run down my face I can't replace
And now that I'm stronger I've figured out
How this world turns cold and breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's ok. It's ok. It's ok.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cuz you're my, you're my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away,
Please tell me you'll stay, stay

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be ok
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Ohhhh, how he makes me smile. <3
2 months on Sunday.

[Oh, and long distance relationships make me sad... 101 days till Christmas Break...]

Friday, September 08, 2006

Fri, 08 Sep 2006 00:57:36 GMT

,.:'`':., 9/7/06 ,.:'`':.,
~*º Mood: Depressed º*~

"Contrary to what the cynics say, distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough"
I couldn't find truer words. People think that being in a long distance relationship just plain sucks: and I agree. If it wasn't for the fact that I love this boy with all my heart, I'd be out of this in a heartbeat.
Nobody knows how much of a toll this is taking on me, how depressing it is to know that the arms I want to spend my time in are 2752 mile away from me and I can't do a damn thing about it. I see my best friend with her boyfriend every day, I hear her complain about not seeing him for a day, and it almost makes me angry how much people take for granted what they have. People say how horrible it is that their boyfriend or girlfriend is in another school or another city, but listen to this: mine lives across the country. And yes, I know, someone could read this and say, "Yeah, well mine lives across the world!" Well, that's horrible, and that does beat my situation, but I'm talking about my friends, and my life.
I try to put myself in the mindset that every minute I've spent away from him is one more minute closer to the time I see him again, but it's just so hard. I don't want to wait, I want to see him now.
He means so incredibly much to me, I don't even think he knows. I find it hard to concentrate in school, on my homework, and it's close to impossible to fall asleep. The only time of the day I actually have a break from thinking about him is during karate, and even then I have a few moments where he pops into my head. The jealousy that goes through me is so intense... all these girls at his school take for granted the fact that they get to see his handsome face every day, even just to brush by him in the hallways. They would never stop to think that this boy is someone's boyfriend, and that someone is living on opposite coasts.
The thing I hate the most is that now that school has gotten in, I can only hear his voice for an hour or less on weekdays. My dad, for some reason, won't let me talk to him on the phone past 10:30 his time, even though he doesn't go to bed until 11-12. My dad doesn't understand how valuable it is to hear his voice, because that is the closest thing I have to being near him. When I hear him speak, and especially when he says I love you, I can almost feel an arm around me and his hair tickle my cheeks, as I used to feel. If my dad read this entry, maybe he'd understand. But, considering he won't, and he won't listen to what I have to say about this, I'll just be tortured with an hour or less 4 days of the week.
Anyways, I think I've gotten a bit of this off my chest now. I'm feeling a little better, but also more depressed at the same time. Well, he finally called, so I have half an hour with him.

Ohh how he makes me smile.
<3

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Sun, 03 Sep 2006 16:11:25 GMT

,.:'`':., 9/3/06 ,.:'`':.,
~*º Mood: angry º*~

Everything is falling apart.
Everything I had at the end of the last school year is gone... but yet I've gained so much this summer.
I had the most amazing trip of my life, met the most amazing guy, and had a great time.
Coming home, I realized that everything that used to be had changed.
I lost someone that meant to much to me and who had been there for so long.
I lost someone that used to occupy a special place in my heart, whom someone else now occupies.
And I am now in the process, near the end of the process, of losing someone else who I thought cared much more than in reality.
It seems as if the only person, or one of the very few, that still cares as much as a month ago is that amazing guy I met on the trip, Wyatt. From the get-go he was a great guy: smart, funny, extremely good looking, and very caring. He sneaked his way into my radar and made me notice him through sneaky, yet effective, tactics. This guy has got to be something special, because the things he makes me feel... they're really something else. Most people would say "I didn't know love until him," because the love gets better and better over time, but I won't say that. I've been in love before, although it didn't turn out the way we wanted to. But anyways, despite me having been in love before, this guy makes my stomach do flipflops and set itself on fire like no one has ever been able to do. Just seeing him gives me butterflies, and talking about seeing him gives me this almost nautious feeling beacuse I just can't wait. I feel so lonely while not being in his arms, my hands feel like they're missing something while not holding his... I just feel so alone without him.
But anyways. The point of this was to say how lonely I feel. I'm being abandoned by the people I thought meant the most to me, and the one person that would never abandon me I can't see for 80-100 someodd days.

Welcome to My World.

<3

Monday, August 28, 2006

Mon, 28 Aug 2006 17:33:34 GMT

,.:'`':., 8/28/06 ,.:'`':.,
~*º Mood: confused º*~

Weird dream last night. Weird definitions.

Clarity and lengthiness of duration. Positive and lasting associations may soon be formed.

Good fortune and favor.

Good luck, personal wealth, and power

Distrust and suspicious motives

A person who is greedy and unscrupulous (may be own personality).Go through a difficult, painful, or unpleasant emotional period. Feelings of anger, hostility, and fierceness. May be an emotional threat to others.

Intuition and awareness. Tuned into sense of personality. Relationship or business projet that is too enormous to handle.

Coming weeks will be calm and tranquil. Stress will be alleviated and peace of mind.

Ease and comfort after much struggle. Pleasant journeys, peace, solitude, and fortunate enterprises. In a rut and don’t know what to do with life. May be seeking solitude.

Aspects of personality that have been rejected, but are ready to integrate. Happy tidings of them and the arrival of good news.

Achievements will not be as successful as had been anticipated. Anxieties in certain circumstances of life and worries will be temporary and short-lived. OR a lack of control and power in life. Helpless in some situation or unable to make a clear decision.

Emotional setting of life. Lost moorings

Avoiding something or need to get away from something

Healing, growth, money, new beginnings, and a positive movement in a matter at hand.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Fri, 25 Aug 2006 01:21:43 GMT

,.:'`':., 8/24/06 ,.:'`':.,
~*º Mood: in love º*~

So I'm head over heels for this boy. I haven't been this happy in so incredibly long. A month and one week, that's it. This boy makes me smile like no other. There isn't a moment longer than 2 seconds when I'm not smiling on the phone with him, even if he's talking to someone else. According to this amazing book, it would be better for me if it never ended. Hopefully that shall be true.

Countdown till I see him again: 91 days

I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels love forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home
Sitting all alone inside your head

Monday, August 14, 2006

Mon, 14 Aug 2006 04:16:42 GMT

,.:'`':., 8/13/06 ,.:'`':.,
~*¨¬ Mood: happy ¨¬*~

So there's this boy.
I think about him all the time, and he makes me smile like a crazy person.
I broke the rules one night just to tell him how I felt, and here we are today, almost celebrating one month.
Just seeing his screen name when I get onto the computer or seeing his name on Caller ID makes me smile.
The crazy part is, he lives 2752 miles away from me... he's a crazy Delaware boy.
Oddly enough... that doesn't really bug me. I mean, of course I miss him a lot, but normally long-distance relationships drive me up the wall to the point of me having to quit. I guess it's the promise of seeing him Thanksgiving that makes me want to keep going.
He's a good Christian boy [I know, totally not my usual type] and, yes I know it's weird, but that's something I really like about him. I've gotten sick of all these horny bastards looking for sex from me, so a Christian boy really makes me feel comfortable again.
Even though we've never kissed more than just on the cheek, that's something else that is totally not me, I really feel some kinda connection with him. Hell... I think you could say I love the guy. You know... thinking about it... I really do. I love him. Plain and simple.
So. This boy. He's really cute. And it makes me even happier because apparantly at his school he's part of the "cool" crowd... I snagged a popular Delaware boy! Yay!
Anyways. I'm starting to get a little tired, so I'm gonna hit the sack. Might as well put a picture of him up here for you curious people. =]

Oh. And Wyatt. If you're reading this... what I said about me loving you... yeah. I love you. ♥

♥